MIL Was Against Third Grandchild From Start But Still Whines About Being Excluded From Childbirth

Having help after giving birth is incredibly valuable for parents, especially mothers. Any family members, friends, or even professional caregivers can support the mother during the period of recovery and adjustment.

Such support eases the physical and emotional strain on parents and also encourages a better environment and well-being for the entire family. So, when a mother asked a Redditor to come help her after her C-section, she gladly accepted. 

However, her MIL wasn't happy about this and accused her of being selfish. The OP and her husband had originally planned to have two children but decided last summer to have a third. 

Living abroad away from their parents, they independently raise their two children, aged 5 and 3. Despite having stable jobs, a house of their own, and no family support, the OP's MIL has consistently opposed the idea of a third child.

She labeled it irresponsible and lamented the limited time she would get to spend with another grandchild. When the OP and her husband announced the pregnancy, the MIL's reaction was subdued, and she expressed concern about their ability to manage three kids. 

Throughout the pregnancy, the MIL avoided conversations about the OP and the ongoing pregnancy. On the other hand, the OP's mother was thrilled about the third grandchild and offered to help by staying with them for two weeks around the delivery.

Upon receiving the C-section date, the OP's mother immediately booked her flight. However, when the MIL learned about this, she reacted coldly and abruptly ended the call. 

The following day, her sister contacted the OP's husband, insisting he must apologize to their mother for excluding her, claiming she wanted to be the first to see the child. The MIL had planned a short visit around the delivery, which would require her son to drive her to and from the airport, leaving the OP to manage three children alone post-surgery while her mother would travel by train. 

Both the MIL and SIL have accused the OP of being selfish and excluding the MIL.

The OP asks:

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The OP and her husband decided to have a third child:

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Navigating Family Dynamics and Expectations

The tension surrounding the mother-in-law's reaction to the third grandchild reflects broader themes of familial expectations and personal choice. According to Dr. Judith Wallerstein's research on family dynamics, individuals often project their values and beliefs onto their children, leading to conflicts when those values are not aligned. In this case, the mother-in-law's longstanding belief about the merits of limiting family size may influence her feelings of exclusion regarding the new grandchild.

This highlights the importance of understanding and navigating differing family values when making personal decisions.

But the OP's MIL has always been against this idea:

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However, the OP informed her when she got pregnant, and the MIL distanced herself:

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Moreover, Dr. Lynn Margolies, a psychologist specializing in family therapy, notes that family members often experience emotional responses rooted in their perceptions of loyalty and obligation. When a family member makes choices that deviate from established norms, it can evoke feelings of betrayal or disappointment. The mother-in-law's reaction may stem from a sense of loss regarding her expectations for her family dynamic. Recognizing these emotional responses can help navigate complex family relationships.

By acknowledging differing perspectives, families can foster healthier communication.

On the other side, the OP's mother had offered to help them, and they accepted:

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But when the MIL found out the OP's mother would go to them, she got offended and felt excluded:

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The Importance of Healthy Boundaries

Establishing healthy boundaries is crucial in managing family relationships, as emphasized by Dr. Henry Cloud, a renowned clinical psychologist. Cloud's research suggests that clear boundaries help protect individual autonomy while allowing for respectful engagement with family members. In this scenario, the mother-in-law's feelings of exclusion may indicate a need for clearer boundaries regarding roles and expectations in family dynamics.

For the parents, communicating their intentions and choices regarding family size openly could help manage expectations and reduce conflict.

MIL also planned to visit them for 4 days around the birth, but that wouldn't work for the OP and her husband anyway:

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Now, the MIL and SIL accuse the OP of being selfish:

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Additionally, research from the Journal of Family Psychology indicates that families who engage in open discussions about values and expectations tend to experience fewer conflicts. Establishing family meetings to address these issues could foster an environment of understanding and cooperation. For the family in this scenario, creating space for dialogue about family dynamics and individual choices may help bridge gaps in understanding.

Creating an open forum for discussion can encourage empathy and reduce feelings of exclusion.

A Redditor said it's not about the MIL and SIL, thus the OP is right

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The OP's husband should speak to his mother and sister

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Redditors told the OP not to worry about her MIL's feelings. The MIL wasn't supportive of their pregnancy, nor did she care for the OP.

She's just jealous that the OP's mother will be the first to see their grandchild. Her actions are not driven by love but by competition.

MIL is whack

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MIL is just jealous because the OP's mother actually wants to help them

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"Ask her if she's feeling okay?"

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The OP shouldn't be worrying about her MIL's feelings

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MIL makes this about herself

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The OP's husband should have an honest conversation with his mother

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Psychological Analysis

This dynamic illustrates the challenges families can face when expectations and personal choices collide. It's essential for family members to communicate openly about their feelings and desires to foster understanding. Establishing clear boundaries can help manage these emotional conflicts and enhance family harmony.

Analysis generated by AI

Analysis & Alternative Approaches

This situation underscores the complexities of family dynamics and the impact of differing values on relationships.

Research emphasizes the importance of establishing healthy boundaries and open communication to navigate familial expectations. By fostering understanding and dialogue, families can build stronger connections and manage conflicts more effectively.