Refusing To Be Main Caretaker For Elderly Parents: AITA For Insisting On Assisted Living?

A 28-year-old woman refused to become the main caretaker for her parents, and it turned into a full-on family standoff. Her dad, in his 80s and dealing with type 2 diabetes plus dementia and Alzheimer’s, has become verbally vicious, screaming insults that are cruel even when he’s lucid.

He calls her names like “fat-a**” and “the thing,” and he says it in front of her kids, too. Meanwhile, her mom wants her showing up 3+ times a week to help with cooking, cleaning, dressing, and more, insisting she should just “ignore it” because they raised her.

Now OP is stuck between protecting her own well-being and dealing with constant falls, escalating aggression, and a father who needs more than occasional help.

Original Post

My parents are both in their 80s and live about two hours from me. For reference, I have a sibling who lives right down the road from them.

Neither of them has aged well—they always refused to be active and have lived very sedentary lives in their retirement, so aging has been hard on them. My father, especially, has struggled with type 2 diabetes and dementia/Alzheimer's.

He is very combative and mean about everything, which is how he has always been, but dementia and old age have made it worse. He directs a lot of his anger towards me and is especially mad that I am trying to get them to move into assisted living because they fall constantly and need so much help.

Anytime he disagrees with me about anything, he starts screaming and calling me names, including “fat-a**” and “the thing.” “The thing” hurts especially hard because I am his daughter, and he is reducing me to something that is hardly human. He will say, “don’t look at the thing over there; she’s so ugly she might break your face,” or just ridiculous stuff.

He does this when he is completely lucid and remembers everything/everyone. Or he will say, “don’t feed the thing,” when my mom tries to offer me food.

I tried so hard to ignore this treatment, but once he did it in front of my kids, I put my foot down and stopped visiting. My mother now wants me to come to her 3+ times a week to help with cooking, cleaning, helping dress my father, etc.

I have said no because the way he treats me is terrible, and I have to look out for my own well-being. She says I just need to ignore it because he is old and grumpy.

She says I take things too personally and that I am obligated to help them because they raised me. AITA for saying they need either a full-time nurse or assisted living?

UPDATE: Thank you all so much for your feedback, advice, and commiserations. I am going to tell them they need assisted living or an in-home nurse, but it is not me anymore.

I do want to also add that while my father does have dementia, this mean and cruel behavior, as well as my mother’s behavior, is not new; they have always been this way with me. My father just has less restraint in his old age.

The choice to step back from the role of primary caregiver for elderly parents is often fraught with emotional complexity. The Reddit user's situation reflects a common struggle faced by many in similar circumstances, where feelings of guilt and frustration collide with the need for personal autonomy. This scenario illustrates a significant emotional toll that caregivers endure as they navigate the expectations of family alongside their own well-being. It is not just a matter of duty but a profound balancing act between caring for aging parents and maintaining a sense of self. The call for assisted living in this context is not merely a logistical decision but a necessary step for emotional preservation.

Comment from u/Fit-Bumblebee-6420

Comment from u/Harry_Smutter

When her father screamed “the thing” in front of her kids, OP stopped visiting, and that decision lit the fuse for everything that followed.

Moreover, seeking external support, such as professional caregiving services, can provide much-needed relief.

Comment from u/SunshineShoulders87

Comment from u/jstbecauseuknow

Two hours away from home, OP’s sibling living nearby only makes the imbalance feel sharper, especially when mom starts counting on OP again.

This is similar to the AITA where a sibling asked their brother to pay more for vacation expenses.

Engaging in open discussions with family members about one's capacity and willingness to provide care can also foster understanding.

Ultimately, prioritizing mental health and self-care is essential for sustaining long-term caregiving relationships.

Comment from u/mis_1022

Comment from u/RazzmatazzOk2129

The real complication is that the insults are not just random, they come with concrete care demands like feeding, dressing, and handling a combative dementia patient.

We're curious to hear your perspective. Share your thoughts in the comments.

Comment from u/SL8Rgirl

Comment from u/crying4what

Comment from u/BryonyVaughn

After OP refuses the 3+ visits a week plan, mom frames it as obligation, while OP insists the constant falls mean they need assisted living or full-time help.

The situation presented in the Reddit post underscores the complexity of caregiving, particularly when it involves aging parents with significant health challenges. Establishing healthy boundaries becomes crucial; the user’s insistence on exploring assisted living options reflects a necessary prioritization of their personal well-being alongside the family's needs. This balance is vital in creating a sustainable caregiving dynamic that respects both the caregivers and those they care for, particularly in the face of escalating health issues like dementia and Alzheimer's.

Nobody wants to be called “the thing” while they’re expected to show up and play nurse.

For a different kind of family conflict, see what happened when someone hid diet cheating behind their partner’s back.