Roommate Dilemma: Should I Lock Him Out All Night for Refusing a New Key?

A 22-year-old woman thought she was being generous, then realized she might be enabling her ex’s mess. After moving in together in February, she and her ex (21M) split quickly, but they kept sharing the apartment anyway, because life does not magically rewrite itself just because the relationship ended.

Then his key broke. It was still usable, not stuck in the lock, and the rental company could supposedly issue a replacement without re-keying the whole place. She told him it was his responsibility, but he refused to call, wouldn’t email, and never used the service portal, so she started locking the door at night around 9 PM, even when he was out on dates.

Now she’s locked him out at least six times in four weeks, and she’s debating whether to let him suffer the consequences all night.

Original Post

I (22F) live with my ex (21M). We moved in together in February but broke up shortly after because he was a lot different to live with compared to how we would visit each other's apartments beforehand.

Around March or April, his key broke. Thankfully, it didn't get stuck in the lock, and we have both pieces of the key.

Also, it shouldn't cost anything to let the rental company know and get a new key because the key wasn't lost, meaning they didn't have to re-key the whole apartment. I let him know that it was his responsibility because it was his key.

He has not done anything to contact the rental company. He refuses to call businesses due to anxiety and also hasn't contacted them through email or the service portal on the website.

We live in a safe neighborhood, but I prefer to lock the doors, especially at night, because you never know. Over the summer, I worked an internship and mainly lived in another city, so I was nice and gave him my key during that time.

Now that I'm back home, I took my key back and decided I was done catering to him. In the four weeks I've been back, I've locked him out at least six times.

I lock that door at night (around 9 PM after I get home from work) and when I leave the apartment, whether or not he is there. I've been woken up past midnight on a few occasions because he was locked out while on a date.

I thought that if I was more serious about the consequences of him not getting a new key, then he would finally just do it. I'm now debating keeping him locked out the whole night and refusing to wake up and let him in.

He knows I'm upset about this, and all my friends agree it might be the push he needs to be a responsible adult. But I honestly feel bad about going through with it.

It's still warm outside, so staying out in the weather isn't an issue. His parents also live an hour away, so it's not like he has nowhere to stay if I do this.

I've honestly struggled with standing my ground my whole life and can't tell if this would be an overreaction and going too far. At the same time, I'm sick and tired of not locking the door at night or when no one is home.

I don't think it is my responsibility to cater to his schedule and disrupt my own whenever he needs to be let into the apartment. WIBTA?

Edit: Because a lot of people are asking, no, he can't go to the hardware store and just make a new key. In our lease, we're not allowed to make our own copies.

But new keys are maybe $10 from the company. It's just a safety thing, but it's legally binding.

Edit 2: This blew up a lot. Thank you for the advice.

I'm going to grow a backbone now. I'll let him know tonight that I'm locking the door at 9:30 PM sharp every night and will no longer lose sleep over him.

I won't leave my classes early for him; I won't let him pick up the key from me either. I'll update if something significant happens.

It's been too long of my friends calling me stupid for continuing to let him walk over me.

Exploring Conflict and Cooperation

Conflict in shared living situations often arises from unmet expectations and differing communication styles. Research from Stanford University highlights that unresolved disputes can lead to resentment, especially when one party feels unheard. In the case of our Reddit user, her roommate's refusal to replace the broken key can be seen as a disregard for shared responsibilities, leading to frustration and a sense of imbalance in their living arrangement.

It's essential to recognize that both roommates might have different communication styles and approaches to problem-solving. Acknowledging these differences is the first step toward resolution. This situation calls for an open dialogue where each person can voice their concerns without judgment, fostering a more collaborative atmosphere. By encouraging honest discussions, both roommates can express their feelings and expectations, paving the way for mutual understanding and respect in their shared space.

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She even gave him her key while she was away for her internship, so locking him out now feels like payback, not punishment.

Establishing these boundaries allows both parties to understand what behaviors are acceptable regarding shared spaces and responsibilities, which can significantly help mitigate conflicts. When roommates are on the same page about their expectations, it creates a more harmonious living environment. For the Reddit user, outlining expectations about key replacements and shared responsibilities can clarify her roommate's role in maintaining their shared living space, fostering a sense of accountability.

Moreover, encouraging her roommate to express his anxieties about contacting the rental company could also alleviate some of the tension between them. By addressing these concerns openly, they can work towards solutions together, ultimately strengthening their partnership and enhancing their overall living experience.

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Coping with Difficult Roommate Situations

Behavioral psychology suggests that people often react defensively when their autonomy is threatened.

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Comment from u/Corpunlover

The part that really stings, she’s been woken up past midnight because he got locked out while on a date.

When conflicts arise, seeking compromise through collaborative problem-solving can be incredibly beneficial for all parties involved. Collaboration is key to resolving disputes effectively, as it fosters open communication and understanding. In this scenario, the Reddit user could propose a joint discussion to explore alternative solutions, such as considering the potential for a temporary backup key until her roommate feels comfortable getting a new one.

This collaborative approach not only addresses the immediate issue at hand but also has the added benefit of strengthening their ability to handle future conflicts together. By fostering a sense of teamwork and mutual respect, they can create a more harmonious living environment and improve their overall relationship.

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Trust is an essential component in any relationship, particularly in shared living situations where individuals rely on one another for support and understanding. Breaches of trust can lead to long-term relational damage, which can be quite challenging to overcome. In this specific case, the roommate's failure to act on the key replacement may be perceived as a significant lack of consideration for the Reddit user's needs, thereby straining their trust and creating an atmosphere of uncertainty.

Rebuilding this trust is not an overnight process; it requires consistent communication and reliability from both parties involved. Each individual must take the time to express their concerns and expectations openly, allowing for a clearer understanding of each other's perspectives. By demonstrating their commitment to the shared living arrangement through actions and words, both roommates can work towards restoring the trust that has been compromised, ultimately fostering a healthier living environment.

This is similar to the AITA over refusing to rent a U-Haul, after the friend already watched while you did the heavy lifting.

Comment from u/No-Needleworker93

Comment from u/Casual_Lore

Since he still won’t contact the rental company, she’s stuck playing the “door bouncer” role every time his broken-key plan fails.

To prevent further conflict and improve their living situation, both roommates can benefit from a structured approach that encourages open communication and mutual respect. Immediate steps include having a calm conversation about the issue at hand, where both parties can express their feelings and concerns without interruptions. This initial dialogue is crucial for setting the tone for future interactions.

In the short term (1–2 weeks), they could establish a roommate agreement outlining responsibilities, including key management, cleaning schedules, and shared expenses. This written agreement serves as a reference point and can help mitigate misunderstandings. Longer-term (1–3 months), they should schedule regular check-ins to assess their living dynamics and make adjustments as needed. These check-ins can be informal yet structured, allowing for ongoing dialogue and fostering a sense of teamwork.

This proactive strategy can foster a healthier environment, reducing the likelihood of future disputes and enhancing their overall living experience together.

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How would you handle this situation? Let us know in the comments.

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And with his parents an hour away, she’s weighing whether “stand your ground” means letting him stay out until he finally handles the replacement.</p>

The conflict between the Reddit user and her ex-roommate highlights the intricate dynamics that often arise in shared living situations. The article reveals that their decision to cohabitate post-breakup quickly soured due to clashing lifestyles, underscoring the importance of effective communication in maintaining harmony. The user's dilemma about whether to lock her roommate out for refusing a new key illustrates a critical need for setting boundaries. When both individuals fail to establish and respect these boundaries, what could have been a manageable conflict turns into a source of significant tension, making it essential for roommates to navigate these issues with maturity and openness.

If he still can’t manage a new key, he might finally learn the hard way that shared housing comes with shared responsibilities.

For a shared-fridge blowup, see what happened when she ate unlabeled leftovers and started a passive-aggressive war.