31 Things Lovers Do That Give Away Their Secret Relationship, As Revealed By The Folks At Reddit
You've either done some of these or witnessed these things between two people.
WThere are many reasons why people may choose to keep their relationship a secret. Perhaps they're not ready to go public with their relationship, or maybe they're worried about what others will think.
Maybe they simply want to keep things between them private. Whatever the reason, there are plenty of good reasons to keep your relationship hidden from the world.
First of all, keeping your relationship a secret can be a way to make it more special. If no one knows about it, it's like you have your own little world that nobody else knows about.
It can be a nice way to feel more connected to your partner. Another reason people might choose to keep their relationship under wraps is that they're not sure if it's going to last.
If it's a new relationship, you might not want to make a big deal about it until you're both sure it's something serious. Finally, some people just don't like the idea of sharing their personal life with the world.
It's up to you whether you want to share your relationship with others, but if you're not comfortable with it, there's no shame in keeping it to yourselves. But it doesn't mean that people won't notice what's going on between the two of you.
In this post, we look at the things that people unknowingly do that give away the true nature of their relationship
Greetings and vague questions
I was hooking up with the receptionist at my job. People started noticing that anywhere I went I’d walk by her. Just to say hi, just to walk by and see her or just to ask a dumb vague question. Etc etc. I went to grab lunch and brought her back something. Game over lol. Secret was out. That receptionist is my wife and I’d do it all over again the same way In a heartbeat.
lovemywife11, cottonbro from PexelsThe dog gives it away.
From personal experience - was hooking up with a coworker and she'd bring her dog into the office. Her dog started sitting under my desk everyday and we were exposed
MynOlie, Wes HicksOn the same IP address
A bunch of us used to hang out on a Teamspeak server to play games. One day we were chatting when the server admin just blurted out: "So [guy] and [girl], you two have the same IP address today. You f*****g?"
MynOlie, Wes Hicks
The Psychology of Secrecy in Relationships
Secret relationships can often stem from various psychological factors, including fear of judgment and societal expectations. According to Dr. Sue Johnson, a couples therapy pioneer, "People often hide their relationships due to the fear of societal disapproval, which can lead to feelings of isolation." This behavior often reflects a desire for self-protection as individuals navigate the complexities of societal norms and personal desires. Understanding the motivations behind secrecy can provide valuable insights into relationship dynamics. As Dr. Michele Weiner-Davis, a marriage therapist, states, "While secrecy may seem protective, it can create barriers to intimacy and trust, which are fundamental for healthy relationships."
The Secretive Nature of Relationships
Secret relationships often stem from personal insecurities or societal pressures. According to research by Dr. Amy C. Moen at the University of Minnesota, individuals may feel the need to conceal relationships due to fear of judgment or rejection.
This behavior can be particularly pronounced in younger adults, as they navigate the complexities of identity and peer perceptions. Such secrecy can lead to feelings of isolation and anxiety, significantly impacting emotional well-being.
Change in personal space requirements
Their orbits are smaller around each other. Without meaning to, they will change their personal space requirements with the other. They'll think they're normal distance away, but won't be. Also, they'll move around each other too easily (like in small spaces) without the awkward missteps the rest of us make.
Stmpnksarwall, Vera Arsic
The only interaction in front of people is a glance
I was at a BBQ with dozens of people. A young ridiculously beautiful married couple was there. The wife was pregnant. They brought their short, squat, funnyman roommate with them. At some point funny man and pregnant wife are on opposite sides of the kitchen and I caught a glance between them - no more than a blink of an eye. It was the only interaction they had all night. In that instant I have never been more sure two people were f*****g. Told my girlfriend, "Those two are smashing", she told me to stop being a creep.Sure enough 6 months later everyone finds out they're f*****g and funnyman is the dad.
illepic, Amina Filkins
Staring at each other
Staring. I was secretly seeing a guy in school. As far as everyone else was concerned we couldn’t stand each other.This girl I barely knew pulled me aside and whispered “I don’t know what’s going on between you two but you need to stop staring or everyone else is going to know.”Later on he wanted to know what the girl said to me. I wasn’t about to admit she noticed my staring, so I said “she thinks there’s something going on with us because you keep staring at me!”
_halboro, Ketut Subiyanto
The concept of attachment styles plays a significant role in how individuals approach relationships. Those with avoidant attachment styles may be more prone to engage in secretive behaviors, as they often fear vulnerability and emotional closeness. According to studies conducted by Dr. Amir Levine, a psychiatrist specializing in attachment theory, individuals with these styles may prioritize self-preservation over connection, leading to hidden relationships.
Encouraging individuals to explore their attachment styles can foster greater self-awareness and improve their approach to relationships. Therapy or support groups focused on attachment can be beneficial in this regard.
Additionally, a study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that individuals in secret relationships often experience a heightened sense of thrill, which can initially seem appealing. However, over time, this secrecy can lead to relational instability and emotional distress.
Understanding the motivations behind such behaviors is critical for fostering healthier relationship dynamics that emphasize openness and communication.
They suddenly stop talking when sharing a story.
When your SO brings someone up way too much in the beginning then mysteriously stops talking about them at all, even when the situation potentially calls for it.
Glassmoon0fo, EKATERINA BOLOVTSOVA
The little things during conversations
The little conversational clues. Like when two people glance knowingly at each other frequently, or have friendly little side whispers because they have their own thing going on apart from the group. And they hover near each other to be physically close. All those little examples of intimacy that is only between them.A married ex friend of mine once started showing up with a woman and acting like that. I could tell they were banging, and I couldn't believe he wasn't trying harder to conceal it. Turns out, the poor woman had no idea he was married, and was unaware that everyone else DID know. It was later traumatizing to her to realize she had been seen as a mistress, when she was the only person who didn't know what was really happening.She's now a friend of mine. He is not.
icybikes, Samson Katt
They're too close
Physical closenessPrincess Margaret was (accurately) accused of having an affair after wiping some fluff/dust off of a married man’s suit jacket
Solidus27
Coping Mechanisms in Secrecy
People often engage in secret relationships as a coping mechanism for underlying feelings of inadequacy or fear of rejection. Psychological research indicates that when individuals perceive their relationship as socially unacceptable, they may resort to secrecy to shield themselves from potential ridicule. This response can create a cycle of shame and anxiety, which further complicates their emotional well-being.
Addressing these feelings through open communication and therapy can help individuals break free from the cycle of secrecy. Encouraging honest conversations about fears and insecurities can foster a healthier emotional environment for both partners.
The Role of Attachment Styles
Attachment theory provides helpful insights into why some individuals might engage in secretive behaviors within relationships. People with avoidant attachment styles often struggle with vulnerability, leading them to keep their relationships hidden to protect themselves from potential emotional pain.
Research indicates that these patterns can persist into adulthood, causing individuals to repeat relational dynamics that do not serve their emotional health.
When they're in denial
When your partner goes over the top of how unattractive, uninteresting, cringy, weird, etc..the other person is.
Grenadoxxx, SHVETS production
Using the same speech mannerisms
They start using each other’s speech mannerisms. Like one of them always replies to something you say to them with, “Is that right?”, and then you hear your wife saying it all the time after you get back from a week long work trip.
Alaska_Roy, Katerina Holmes
They have the same scent the next day.
These two I used to work with, they got found out because a skunk sprayed outside the guys house real bad. The next day they came in to work separately and ignored each other as usual, but they both smelled like skunk. Then everyone knew, but they didn’t know we knew.
sevenandseven41, http://www.birdphotos.com
Furthermore, the role of societal expectations cannot be underestimated in the context of secret relationships. Societal norms often dictate what is considered acceptable, leading individuals to feel pressured to conform. Studies show that individuals who feel they must hide their relationships due to cultural or family pressures may experience increased stress and anxiety, affecting their overall mental health.
Creating spaces where diverse relationship structures are accepted can help alleviate this pressure. Community support groups and inclusive environments can foster acceptance and reduce the stigma surrounding non-traditional relationships.
Moreover, individuals with anxious attachment styles may feel compelled to hide relationships out of fear of rejection or abandonment. This fear can lead to a cycle of secrecy and anxiety, where the individual feels trapped between their desire for connection and their fear of vulnerability.
Therapeutic approaches that focus on developing secure attachment can help individuals break these patterns and foster healthier relationships.
Avoidance
It's definitely the awkward avoidance of one another for no reason.When I was a supervisor two of my employees were secretly dating and being as young as they were (19-20yrs old) they didn't have the ability to hide their feelings without avoiding each other as if they hated one another.I figured it out on Day 1. Hilariously cute.Edit: when they finally told me I told them I already knew. They were flabbergasted that I figured it out. It wasn't that hard! When y'all make googly eyes at one another across the store or try to surreptitiously touch hands at the till I'm gonna notice.
Sir_Meowsalot, Ron Lach
Eye contact
Eye contact, side glances. Had a buddy of mine who was convinced that a coworker and I were hooking up. One morning he walked up to her and commented on how good she looked, and mentioned how great her haircut was… he immediately turned around to catch me glaring at him. The gig was up. Ended up marrying her.
ckdickens, mevans
Not friends on social media, yet they came to the same place at the same time.
I’ve caught people because they didn’t follow one another on social media to try to avoid suspicion, but they both posted that they were at the same place and similar photos, and despite not posting about one another, it was obvious. They didn’t know what the other was posting because they didn’t follow one another lmfao which ultimately lead to the downfall of their discretion.
tabruss, cottonbro
The Importance of Open Communication
Effective communication is key to overcoming the challenges posed by secrecy in relationships. Research from communication studies emphasizes the importance of expressing feelings and needs openly to foster trust and intimacy. Partners should be encouraged to engage in regular check-ins where they can share their thoughts and feelings about their relationship dynamics.
Additionally, utilizing tools like couples therapy can provide a structured environment for addressing issues of secrecy and trust. Therapeutic interventions can enhance communication skills, making it easier for partners to navigate sensitive topics and rebuild trust.
Navigating Social Norms and Expectations
Social norms heavily influence how relationships are perceived and formed. Individuals may feel pressured to conform to societal expectations regarding dating, often leading them to hide their true feelings or relationships.
Research shows that the pressure to meet societal standards can create dissonance between one's authentic self and the public persona they project. This dissonance can lead to internal conflict and emotional distress, undermining overall relationship satisfaction.
You can feel the awkwardness between the two.
They get awkward if you come up to them when they are together. I just want coffee and you’re standing in front of the machine and I didn’t think anything was going on until you got all awkward. You’re allowed to be friends and stand here and talk.
royal_rose_, William Fortunato
They are the last to leave.
The two of them consistently being the last ones left at the group hangout, especially if one of them is hosting.
EatinSumGrapes, Vince Fleming
They suddenly stop flirting, and they look at each other in crucial moments.
If you know them before it they’ll stop flirting as much as they had been prior to it. They make sure they don’t leave a place together but linger around long enough to know when the other is leaving. They look at each other when something funny or bad happens.
Acrobatic-Report958
Moreover, practicing vulnerability can significantly strengthen relationships that have been impacted by secrecy. Engaging in vulnerability exercises, where partners share their fears and insecurities, can deepen emotional connections. Research indicates that relationships characterized by emotional transparency often experience higher satisfaction and stability.
Encouraging partners to embrace vulnerability can lead to more authentic relationships, where both individuals feel safe to express their true selves.
Encouraging open discussions about societal expectations can help individuals feel more comfortable expressing their relationship dynamics. Developing communication skills that promote honesty and transparency can foster healthier interactions and reduce feelings of isolation.
Workshops and group discussions can provide a safe space for individuals to share their experiences and learn from one another, ultimately promoting emotional well-being.
These three things
They laugh just a little too loudThey stand just a little too closeThey stare just a little too long
OzzyTheJack, Marcio Binow Da Silva
Stealing food from the other's plate
When a bunch of coworkers go out to eat and one just ‘casually’ steals food of another’s plate and that other person doesn’t even try to act surprised or like it’s not normal. This happened not too long ago haha
novascotia3898, PublicDomainPictures(opens in a new tab or window) from Pixabay
They try to avoid the issue.
I worked on a tv show and there were rumors that one of the married cast members was hooking up with this other hot blonde cast member. Wasn't sure if the rumors were true until I saw the stage/reunion show. When everyone walked on stage, they were the only two out of 16 that didn't hug. Totally f****d
earic23, Brett Sayles
Healthy Relationship Practices
To cultivate healthier relationships, individuals should prioritize transparency and open communication. Research indicates that relationships characterized by honesty and vulnerability are more likely to thrive, as they create environments where both partners feel valued and understood.
Practicing active listening and expressing feelings openly can help build trust and intimacy within relationships.
The casual touches
Sometimes you can tell by the way they casually (appropriately) touch each other in public. Certain things are awkward until you cross that line.
BlissfulEating, cottonbro
You notice the little things
So my wife had this best friend from college. We will call her "A". A married this guy, who we will call "B". We all had a mutual friend from college who would hang around with us all the time. We will call him "J". We were all really close for years. Then, I started to notice little things between A and her husband. They would bicker, but nothing unusual for married couple. But she wouldn't let it go. As time went on, she started making small, belittling comments towards him. Then I noticed when we went to dinner and he tried to put his arm around her or get her attention, she'd very subtly move away or have to answer an urgent text. All the while, J started showing her a little more attention. Again, we were all close friends and had been for some time, so no one really suspected anything. I told my wife a few days later, "Yea babe, A is sleeping with J." She swore that was impossible. Couldn't be! I mean, we were all in A and B's wedding party! About a year passes and A tells B she wants a divorce. She can't take it anymore. He isn't driven enough for her. He isn't "in shape" enough for her. She was over him. About 6 months after the divorce, A comes over to my house a bit tipsy and visibly upset. Come to find out, in the two and a half years her and B were married, she was sleeping with J for one of them. Exactly around the time I told my wife she was. She was upset because J had promised that if she left B, they would be together. She gets a divorce, A and J go on a trip together "as friends," and the next week, J ghosted her and got back together with his college sweetheart. For me, the tell-tale sign was the subtle distancing from her current partner and the touch bit more extra attention she was receiving from J. That negative vibe she was putting off towards her husband mixed with the smirks and extra attention to detail she showed J was clear as day to me.
Ozymandias_13, JackF
Your guy tells you something
If you’re going through something to make you ask this, trust your gut. I had the gut feeling my ex wife was cheating, all the signs were there but I just thought she’d never do that and all the evidence was coincidental. My brain didn’t want to see it, so I put blinders on. Fast forward a couple of months, I found out she was, and my family all said I must be an idiot for not seeing what was right in front of me. Ask others opinions that you both know, they’ll tell you an unbiased opinion. Someone you can trust
ElegantGary, Proxima Studio
Additionally, seeking guidance from relationship counseling can provide valuable tools for navigating complex emotional landscapes. Therapists can assist individuals in developing strategies to communicate effectively, fostering deeper connections and reducing the likelihood of secrecy.
Ultimately, prioritizing mental health and emotional well-being is crucial for sustaining fulfilling relationships.
Something feels hot when you sit between a couple.
When you stand between them you feel like you are being cooked alive. I once sat between two colleagues who were obviously getting it on and man … felt like I was in an oven.
photoadmira, BGStock72
Mirroring the other's actions
Mirroring body position, gestures, facial reactions. People do this in general, with those that they like and/or respect, but with couples it can happen a lot.
Cacafuego, Tim Samuel
Change in musical preference
Sudden change in music they listen to. My ex wife suddenly started listening to country constantly. I knew right then.
brockm92, Fausto Sandoval
Awkward in front of everyone
Kind of like what Joey in Friends reasoned. If there is chemistry on stage, chances are no chemistry in real life. If they are awkward on stage, chances are they are having sex in real life.If they are acting awkward in front of others and clearly trying hard to act like they don’t care about each other, sexual relationship. If they carry out as normal and work well together, no secret sexual relationship.
BarriBlue, Keira Burton
Sly glances
They exchange a speedy sly glance upon the mention of a sex act. Two co-workers did this during a game of never have I ever. Little did they know, I’d already caught them weeks before. It was fun watching how they responded to various comments. Surprisingly unsubtle once I knew.
Lettuce-b-lovely, hidesy
Carpooling
Carpooling when there is not much convenience to it because they don't live all that close to each other.
EatinSumGrapes, ANTONI SHKRABA
Acting weird suddenly in each other's presence
They act weird all of a sudden when things that should be considered normal happen.Like friends acting playful but they suddenly stop (Because they realize it might be taken the wrong way) when in reality it wouldn't they are only fearing such as they know things are indeed the wrong way.
Otfd, Katerina Holmes
Are relationships better when they're a secret or out in the open?
Well, that depends on who you ask. Some people prefer to keep their relationship under wraps because it makes them feel more special and intimate.
Others would rather shout from the rooftops that they're madly in love. Ultimately, it comes down to personal preference and what makes both partners happy.
What do you think? Is it better to keep your relationship a secret or let everyone know about your love?
Psychological Analysis
This article sheds light on the complexity of relationship dynamics, particularly the tendency to conceal connections. Understanding the psychological factors that drive such behavior can help individuals navigate their relationships more effectively and foster healthier interactions with their partners.
Analysis generated by AI
Analysis & Alternative Approaches
In conclusion, understanding the motivations and patterns behind secret relationships is vital for fostering healthier connections. Research shows that open communication and awareness of attachment styles can significantly impact relationship dynamics. Engaging in therapeutic practices can help individuals break free from secrecy, leading to more fulfilling and transparent relationships.
Analysis & Alternative Approaches
Understanding the psychological factors behind secret relationships reveals the complexities involved in human connections. By focusing on open communication and vulnerability, partners can foster deeper intimacy and trust. As noted in psychological research, breaking the cycle of secrecy can lead to healthier relationships and improved emotional well-being.
