Spouses Lack of Initiative Causing Strain in Marriage - What Should I Do?

A husband who cannot seem to lift a finger is one thing, but a husband who makes promises, agrees to a system, and still leaves the kitchen looking like a crime scene is another. In this Reddit post, OP is stuck in the middle of daily messes, repeated talks, and a relationship that keeps getting more tense every week.

For two years, OP has been reminding her husband to do chores and follow through, until he finally snapped and said he started hating her about six months ago. They try to fix it with an agreement: OP stops nagging, and her husband takes over specific morning and kitchen responsibilities, yet every night she walks out after bedtime to find the kitchen untouched.

It starts with “we’ll split it,” and it ends with molded food, stinky dishes, and OP doing double duty just to keep the household from falling apart.

Original Post

I'm sure you all have heard similar stories. My husband, despite multiple discussions over the past 2 years, never takes initiative in chores or anything in our lives.

I'm constantly the one reminding him and asking him to do things and when I don't, it doesn't get done. He told me he started hating me because of it about 6 months ago so we both had an agreement that I will stop telling him what to do as long as he starts following up with his promises.

I followed up on my end of the promise and he didn't within a few days. We agreed that since I wake up first to workout then make breakfast, he wakes up with our kid and takes her to daycare before work.

After work, I pick up our kid and make dinner and manage the bedtime routine and he cleans the kitchen while I do that. Every SINGLE DAY I walk out after bedtime to the kitchen not being touched.

It's so dissapointing and hurtful. Usually, I get upset at him and tell him that I really want the kitchen cleaned every day and he just brushes me off saying he will do it the morning (25% of the time he does).

But since we had the agreement, I stopped. I just pretended to ignore the mess and would get ready for bed because by then I would have to get up in 7 hours.

I let him be responsible for the mess because that's what we agreed on. 2 months later and our kitchen was always a mess.

Constantly, we would have molded food on the stove, next to the sink, crumbs everywhere on the floor. So I gave up and started cleaning whenever I had time.

I learned to cook and clean at the same time (stressful with a child but I learned). Most of the time, there were a week worth of dishes and we have no dishwasher so it took me a long time to catch up on washing the dishes.

After bedtime, usually I'd be the only one cleaning. He would be laying in bed even though I wake up 2 hours before he does.

He would literally yell at me about how I let the dishes get so stinky whenever he did wash the dishes even though HE agreed that he's responsible for cleaning after dinner. So I stopped relying on him and just started taking care of everything on my own.

It's been 2 months of that mindset and I find it harder to respect him now. He seems like a child to me.

Always complaining about everything and never puts effort. Always too tired and grumpy.

Today, I was very excited because my husband brought up the idea of a movie night date. He never brings up date ideas or plans them so it made me so hopeful.

He said he would rent a movie and after bedtime we would watch it. I made a fancier dinner and put our kid down.

Kid took a little longer to go down, but I was fine with it because I figured he would clean today so we can have a movie night. I was wrong, he didn't even bother to close the lids on the pans on the stove.

He just turned off the lights in the kitchen. It felt like my heart broke and I cleaned the kitchen myself again.

He walked out, didn't say a word and watched YouTube videos at the counter. Once I was done cleaning, we went to the bedroom and he just laid down and went to sleep.

It hurts so much. I was so hopeful this time.

He gets mad at me that I don't "treat him like a man" but he never shows me he's reliable. I'm always hurt by his actions.

Anyway, any advice on what I should do?

The imbalance in household responsibilities highlighted by the Reddit user reflects a broader theme in marital dynamics.

Comment from u/AutoModerator

Comment from u/Quiet-Hamster6509

That’s when OP’s “stop telling him” promise kicks in, and the kitchen becomes the battlefield after every bedtime routine.

Implementing a chore chart or designated responsibilities can help reduce conflicts and ensure both partners feel valued.

Additionally, regular discussions about expectations can enhance understanding and prevent feelings of unappreciation.

Comment from u/doradiamond

Comment from u/Traeyze

The agreement was simple, he wakes up with their kid to daycare, he cleans the kitchen after work, and somehow the stove ends up with molded food anyway.

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Comment from u/[deleted]

The thing that kills marriages is contempt, and what he is displaying for you is contempt. He literally treats you like a maid: you do all the chores and he shouts at you if they're not to his satisfaction. He literally told you that he hates you because you ask him to do his fair share. He doesn't care that you're doing all the work: he feels you *ought* to do all the work. That's what you're for. My view is, you should indeed treat him like a man, and specifically, you should judge him as a man. Our basic expectation of a man is that he should shoulder his responsibilities, keep his promises, and support his family. He has comprehensively failed to do those things, and you should hold him accountable for it. Wouldn't life be easier if you only had one child to clean up after...

OP tries to let him own the mess for a couple months, but the sink, floors, and stacks of dishes start turning into a week-long disaster.

To navigate the challenges highlighted by the Reddit user's experience, it is crucial for both partners to engage in open communication and find common ground. The situation described underscores the importance of creating a relationship environment where each partner feels heard and valued. Without this mutual respect and understanding, the imbalance in responsibilities can lead to deeper strains in the marriage.

Comment from u/Ok_Astronaut_3235

This is the reason for 80% of divorce nowadays. He won’t change, trust me. Even after you leave, which you should.

Comment from u/darklingdawns

Why are you staying in this relationship? What are you getting out of it that makes putting up with this behavior worth it? Right now, he's leaving everything to you, acting like the world's worst roommate. So treat him like one. Clean up after yourself and your kid, cook for yourself and your kid, and provide for yourself and your kid. If that means you have to stop off at the grocery store to get just enough food for the night, then so be it. Use the time while you do this to assess just what about this relationship makes you willing to be this man's maid. And if you discover that there's nothing (or not enough) there, then start making plans for you and your kid to find another place to live. If you're going to be a single mother in truth, you might as well have the freedoms and title to go with it.

Even when OP finally starts cleaning again to catch up, he still yells about “stinky” dishes, like he’s the one getting set up by the daycare schedule.

Comment from u/Great-Mediocrity81

It's only going to get worse. He doesn't respect you or value your and feelings. I just split over something similar. I would literally cry and beg for help save my STBX would tell me this was how he was and he's always been messy, etc. I finally stopped asking for help and he thought everything was fine. A year ago I finally told him I was done and couldn't do it anymore. Que the surprised Pikachu face and the "if it was that bad I would have changed!" Sure, I begged for years and you told me no and now you're upset? Nah. Take your s**t and go.

Comment from u/LottiedoesInternet

You're 23, you don't need this

Comment from u/FunnyEfficient1108

Willful incompetence you played right into it and stopped asking and took over. Treat him like a man? I don’t understand how these men act like this, show no love towards their SO or respect and want you to fxck their brains out after doing not a gd thing in the house all day. You getting excited for something so simple as movie night is pretty sad and pathetic and he couldn’t even give you that.you don’t have 1 kid, you have 2. How long before the resentment starts setting in and you start looking elsewhere or you find out he already is?

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By the end, OP is left wondering if her husband’s lack of initiative is the real reason the marriage feels like it’s already breaking.

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