Struggling Caregiver: AITA for Refusing to Return to Help Elderly Parents?

Some people don’t recognize a favor until they’re staring at the empty space where it used to be. This caregiver story is exactly that, and it’s got guilt calls, a cross-country commute, and a plan that only works if one person keeps sacrificing.

An only child, 83-year-old mom in rough shape, and 77-year-old husband who’s disabled, all leaning on the same person. The OP spent a full month unpaid, living 1,000 miles away, then left in early December with the promise they’d try to return “as soon as possible.” But now the job is slow, the server income is down, the return date is uncertain, and the husband keeps calling, handing the phone to their mom to pressure an answer.

And the scary part is, OP can’t even tell what happens next if they stop showing up.

Original Post

My 83 y.o. mom is in very poor health and her husband (77) is disabled.

I spent a full month helping them out (I live 1000 miles away) and I did not work other than being her caregiver the entire time - unpaid. I saved up to be able to help them for this little bit. He claims he can’t afford to provide her full time care at home (where they currently are) and he states he also cannot afford to place her in a facility.

When I left at the beginning of December, I said I would try to go back as soon as possible. My job has been super slow and I haven’t made the $ I typically do (I’m a server) He has called me a couple of times asking when I’ll be back and yesterday he gave her the phone to do the same.

The truthful answer is I do not know and I have said this several times. I have financial responsibilities that I have to be able to take care of and I am trying to save to go back but it is going to be a few months.

I’m feeling fed up with the guilt calls and am also beginning to feel like I should not return at all and have them figure it out. I can’t help but wonder what the plan would be if they weren’t trying to lean on only me.

I’m an only child. I do have a relative that sees her like her own mom but she refuses to help at all.

AITA if I just don’t go back?

In his work, Gawande advocates for support systems that include respite care and community resources, which can alleviate some of the burdens faced by caregivers. Establishing boundaries and seeking help are crucial steps in maintaining one’s well-being while caring for aging relatives.

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Comment from u/ClassyAF84

The OP just finished a month of unpaid caregiving for their 83-year-old mom and disabled 77-year-old step-in-husband, then went back to work and realized their income is not cooperating.

Many family dynamics shift significantly when parents age, often leading to feelings of guilt for those who can’t provide constant care. Taking time for self-care is essential, as neglecting one’s own needs may result in decreased effectiveness as a caregiver. This practice can improve not only the caregiver's well-being but also the quality of care they provide.

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After leaving at the beginning of December, OP kept getting calls from the husband, including one where he literally handed the phone to mom to ask when they’ll be back.

Effective Communication Strategies

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Research in psychology highlights the importance of setting boundaries in caregiving roles.

It also echoes the boss pressure in the coworker refusing extra tasks during someone else’s maternity leave.

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OP admits they don’t know when they can return because they’re saving up with real financial responsibilities, and they’re tired of the guilt pressure.

Seeking Professional Help

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Now OP is staring at the reality that there’s no real backup plan, since a relative who “sees her like her own mom” refuses to help at all, and OP is the only reliable option.

Family dynamics can often complicate caregiving situations.

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What are your thoughts on this situation? Share your perspective in the comments below.

This situation underscores the profound psychological strain often experienced by caregivers, known as caregiver burden.

In the intricate dynamics of caregiving for aging parents, the tension between emotional obligations and practical realities is palpable. The Reddit user's story highlights the necessity of setting boundaries and fostering open communication within familial relationships. The challenges faced are not merely logistical but deeply emotional, requiring a delicate balance. The importance of self-care emerges as a pivotal theme; prioritizing one's own well-being is not an act of selfishness but a critical component of sustainable caregiving. This case serves as a reminder that caregivers must equip themselves with the right strategies to navigate their dual roles without sacrificing their own mental health. Seeking support from professionals remains a vital resource in this arduous journey.

OP might not be the villain here, but the family’s whole system is built on one person never saying no.

Still dealing with family pushback over rules, see the sister who raged after her sibling set a curfew before a school dance.