Friend Dates Crush Behind Back: Should I Refuse Dating Advice? | Reddit

A 27-year-old woman is stuck in the most awkward kind of breakup, not with a boyfriend, but with her own best friend’s choices. She and Rachel have been close since college, the kind of friends who know each other’s dating history and always show up.

Here’s where it gets brutal: she told Rachel about her crush on their mutual friend, Alex, and asked for it to stay quiet because she wasn’t ready to confess. Rachel promised, then a few weeks later OP finds out on social media that Rachel is dating Alex. No warning, no conversation, just a public reveal that left OP feeling played.

Now Rachel is messaging her for dating advice about their relationship, and OP has to decide whether her hurt gets to count, or if she has to pretend nothing happened.

Original Post

So I'm (27F), and my friend Rachel and I have been super close since college. We always have each other's backs, especially in the dating scene.

Recently, I opened up to Rachel about my crush on a mutual friend, Alex. I asked her to keep it on the down-low since I wasn't ready to share my feelings with Alex yet.

Rachel promised she'd support me. Fast forward a few weeks, and I find out through social media that Rachel and Alex are dating.

I was shocked and hurt that she never mentioned anything to me. It feels like a betrayal of our friendship and my trust.

I've been avoiding them both because I don't know how to process this situation. The other day, Rachel reached out, asking for dating advice about her relationship with Alex.

She doesn't know that I know about them, and she's seeking my support and guidance. I'm torn between being there for my friend, as I always have been, and feeling hurt by her actions.

I want to support her, but it's hard knowing she's dating the person I have feelings for without even telling me. I haven't responded to her message yet.

I'm considering telling her that I can't give her dating advice this time. But would that make me the a*****e?

Should I put my feelings aside and help her, or is it fair to take a step back given the circumstances? So WIBTA for refusing to give dating advice to my friend after they started dating my crush without telling me?

The Betrayal of Trust

This situation highlights a profound breach of trust. The OP confided in Rachel about her feelings for Alex, expecting confidentiality, and instead, Rachel chose to pursue a relationship with him behind her back. It’s not just about dating someone’s crush; it’s about the violation of a sacred friendship code. That betrayal stings, especially when Rachel was entrusted with sensitive information.

This isn’t just a simple love triangle; it’s an emotional landmine. The OP is left questioning not only her friendship with Rachel but also her own self-worth. Should she have anticipated that Rachel would act on those feelings? Or does friendship entail a level of protection over shared feelings that Rachel clearly ignored?

Comment from u/CoffeeCraze97

Comment from u/potatoking42

Comment from u/GamerGal789

OP’s big mistake was trusting Rachel with the Alex secret, and the social media reveal made that trust feel like it got tossed aside.

A Complicated Love Triangle

This scenario raises critical questions about the nature of romantic competition and friendship. The OP’s feelings for Alex were clearly laid out—she even asked Rachel to keep it confidential. By deciding to date Alex anyway, Rachel not only disregarded the OP’s feelings but also thrust herself into a situation that’s bound to create tension. Love triangles can lead to messy outcomes, and this one is no exception.

Readers can relate because it reflects a universal dilemma: how do you balance friendship and romantic interest? Rachel's choice complicates the friendship dynamic, forcing the OP to grapple with feelings of jealousy, betrayal, and confusion. It’s a tightrope walk that many can empathize with, making this story resonate deeply.

Comment from u/StarStruck23

Comment from u/TheRealDebater

Comment from u/johndoe024

The part that really twists the knife is that Rachel is now asking OP for help, even though OP is the one who’s hurting.

This feels like the Reddit dilemma about stopping your best friend from dating the mutual crush.

Community Divided

The Reddit community’s reaction was predictably mixed, reflecting the complexity of the situation. Some users sided with the OP, arguing that Rachel’s actions were selfish and inconsiderate. Others contended that feelings can be unpredictable and that Rachel wasn’t obliged to avoid dating Alex just because the OP had a crush.

This debate touches on a larger societal issue—how we prioritize romantic interests versus friendships. Should Rachel have put her desires on hold to protect her friend’s feelings? Or do personal feelings take precedence? The community's divided stance illustrates how delicate these relationships can be, and how each person's perspective adds layers to the narrative.

Comment from u/PancakeLover22

Comment from u/throwawayuser123

Comment from u/GamerGirlPro

Meanwhile, OP is actively avoiding Rachel and Alex, because seeing them together means reliving the moment she found out.

This situation is a vivid reminder of how high the stakes can be in friendship and love. For the OP, this isn’t just about a crush; it’s about feeling valued and respected in her relationships. The emotional fallout will likely affect her bond with Rachel and her future interactions with Alex, creating a ripple effect that could last well beyond this incident.

It’s fascinating to see how relationships can shift in a heartbeat, especially when jealousy and betrayal enter the equation. The OP’s feelings are valid, and how she chooses to handle this will inform her future friendships and romantic endeavors. What will she prioritize moving forward? Trust or desire?

Comment from u/NoobMaster90

So when Rachel reaches out again for dating advice, OP has to figure out if answering would mean swallowing the betrayal she just discovered.

We'd love to hear your take on this situation. Share your thoughts below.

This story encapsulates the often messy intersection of love and friendship. The OP’s experience is a painful reminder of how easily trust can be broken and how complex emotional ties can become. As readers reflect on their own relationships, it raises a pertinent question: How do we navigate our feelings when they clash with those of our friends? It’s a dilemma that many will face, making this story all the more relatable.

Why This Matters

In this situation, the actions of Rachel, who began dating Alex after promising to keep the OP's feelings confidential, demonstrate a significant breach of trust. The OP’s feelings of betrayal are understandable, especially given that she confided in Rachel about her crush, expecting her to honor that vulnerability. This conflict highlights the tension between loyalty and personal desire; while some may argue Rachel had the right to pursue her feelings, the emotional fallout for the OP complicates their friendship moving forward. Ultimately, it raises questions about how friendships can withstand the strain of romantic interests and the importance of communication in these delicate dynamics.

She’s not wrong for stepping back, because Rachel already cashed in the “keep it down-low” promise.

Before you decide to stay quiet, read how Reddit handled confronting a friend dating your ex.