Mom Forced Into Arranged Marriage At 18 Is Reunited With Her Son After 5 Years, Refuses Her Former In-Law's Demand To Have Him For The Summer
She fears her in-laws, who stopped her from holding her newborn, would keep him and prevent his return to her.
A 23-year-old who was forced into an arranged marriage was finally reunited with her son after nearly five years. Her problem now is that her former in-laws want her son to spend time with their family during his summer break.
Her father forced an 18-year-old OP to marry a man in his 20s to be rid of her because she was mentally ill. OP gave birth to her son less than a year after her marriage.
OP stated that her mental illness, coupled with how her in-laws treated her, made it impossible for her to bond with her newborn. Her ex-husband allowed his family to interfere with OP's parenting, and she had no support system in her husband's home country.
OP filed for divorce months later. She lost custody of her son because her husband was a man in his 20s with a full-time job, while she was a mentally ill girl who had no means to raise a newborn.
OP then moved to her mother's home country and wasn't awarded visitation to see her son. Years passed, and OP received an unexpected phone call from her estranged father.
He informed OP that her ex-husband was unable to care for their son. Her ex-husband had remarried to a woman who was unwilling to be a stepmother.
Her ex-husband wanted to know if OP wanted to have custody of their son. OP immediately said yes and was reunited with her son a few weeks later.
OP enrolled her son in school and jumped through all the legal hoops to ensure she had full custody of her son in both her and her ex-husband's countries.
Otherwise_Stomach917It took a few weeks for the mother and son to adjust to each other's presence, but they are now inseparable.
Otherwise_Stomach917Understanding the Effects of Past Trauma
This mother’s situation underscores the complexities of trauma and its long-lasting effects on relationships. According to Dr. Judith Herman’s trauma theory, experiences of trauma can lead to significant relational challenges and fears of abandonment.
The mother's apprehension about her in-laws keeping her son may be rooted in unresolved trauma from her past experiences with them, particularly during her earlier marriage.
OP's former in-laws asked if they could have her son back for the summer. OP declined because of her history with them.
Otherwise_Stomach917
She was also afraid they wouldn't allow him to return home to her, and her son said he wanted to stay with her when she asked him about visiting his paternal grandparents.
Otherwise_Stomach917
Research in attachment theory suggests that individuals with insecure attachments may struggle with trust and fear of loss. This fear can often manifest in hyper-vigilance regarding relationships.
In this case, the mother’s desire to protect her son reflects a broader concern for her emotional safety and well-being.
OP communicated her decision to her former in-laws, and they have been harassing any relative of hers they could find. Her ex-husband also stated that he only gave OP full custody because he promised his parents they would still be allowed to see their grandson. OP offered alternatives but was declined. Was she unreasonable?
Otherwise_Stomach917
Her former in-laws should have stopped pestering OP when she said her son didn't want to see them.
je97
The Importance of Boundaries in Relationships
This scenario illustrates the necessity of setting boundaries in relationships, particularly in potentially toxic environments. Dr. Henry Cloud's work emphasizes that healthy boundaries are integral to maintaining emotional health and ensuring safety.
By establishing clear boundaries with her in-laws, the mother can begin to reclaim her sense of agency and protect her relationship with her son.
Their belief that a child has no autonomy should make OP feel more confident about her decision to decline their request.
Otherwise_Stomach917, je97
OP said she didn't offer to accompany her son to her ex-husband's home country because of the trauma she associated with the place.
jess1804, Otherwise_Stomach917
Studies show that clear boundaries can significantly reduce stress and improve relational satisfaction. Engaging in open communication about expectations and fears is essential for establishing these boundaries effectively.
Family therapy could be beneficial in navigating these discussions, providing a structured environment for expressing feelings and needs.
A Redditor, who didn't seem to read the entirety of OP's post, said OP shouldn't have stopped her son from seeing his grandparents. They claimed OP needs them as a backup in case her mental health deteriorates again.
alicat777777
OP explained each point the commenter misunderstood. She didn't refuse to bond with her son; she wasn't even allowed to hold him.
Otherwise_Stomach917
I would be suspicious as well if I were in OP's place. Her former in-laws have not given her a reason to trust them with her son.
They kept them apart for years; what is there to stop them from repeating it? OP should hold onto the fact that her son wanted to stay with her — the drama her in-laws brought is just noise she can choose to ignore.
As for those who wanted to make assumptions about which country OP's ex-husband was from, here was her answer:
Personibe, Otherwise_Stomach917
Her ex-husband shouldn't have made promises to his parents that he couldn't keep.
bythebrook88
The irony of them accusing OP of keeping her son away from them and brainwashing him is rich.
Environmental_Art591
OP didn't lay out unreasonable rules. Her in-laws could take it or leave it.
Sorry_I_Guess
OP graciously offered to open her home to them after everything they have done to her and her son. They should have accepted that mercy.
Weird-Jellyfish-5053
Psychological Analysis
This mother's fears about her in-laws reflect a common struggle for those with traumatic pasts. Setting boundaries is crucial for her emotional safety and for fostering a healthy relationship with her son.
Encouraging open dialogues about these fears can lead to more supportive family interactions.
Analysis generated by AI
Analysis & Alternative Approaches
Navigating the complexities of family relationships, particularly in the context of trauma, requires a nuanced understanding of boundaries and communication.
Research supports the idea that establishing clear limits can foster healthier dynamics and promote emotional well-being.
