Divorcee Wants To Split Living Costs With BF Instead Of Paying Market Rent To Him, Seeks Opinion Online

A 28-year-old divorcee thought splitting living costs with her boyfriend would be the grown-up move, until she started comparing what she pays to what he pays. Instead of paying him market rent for the house, she wanted to divide the bills in a way that felt fair, while still accounting for the fact that he keeps the mortgage, the equity, and the risk.

The complication is the mortgage itself. Meanwhile, he thinks the fairest approach is market rent, meaning she pays close to what a stranger would pay, even though they are not strangers.

Now both of them are stuck in the same uncomfortable question: is she trying to save money, or is she quietly asking him to fund more than his share?

The headline

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The story begins...

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The portion of the mortgage payment

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When OP said she’d be “splitting costs evenly,” commenters immediately zeroed in on the mortgage principal part, like that’s where the resentment would start to grow.

Financial disputes often arise from underlying emotional issues.

OP's payment would be based on market rent rates

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OP's boyfriend is more frugal overall

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Will the OP be the AH?

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Once OP clarified she could cash out her own equity if she sold her house, the whole debate shifted from “fair rent” to “who actually benefits if this relationship ends.”

Balancing Financial Contributions

This can alleviate feelings of imbalance and resentment.

OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the AH:

I think I might be the AH because he still needs to pay the full monthly costs, including principal for his mortgage, and he only benefits from increased equity if and when he sells the house, and he would assume market risks.

This also echoes the woman who signed for an apartment loan alone, then asked her ex to cover half.

As usual, the comments rolled in and here are a bunch of them

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They should both sell their homes

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That is not a partnership

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The cohabitation agreement detail made people go, okay, so this is a partnership in practice, but not in the way he wants it to be counted.

The situation presented in the article highlights a common struggle in relationships regarding financial equity.

The OP added more clarifications later on...

---If I sell my house, I would cash out on the equity I have and could reinvest that (in the stock market, investment property or something else). Should this not work out I could also use that to buy another place for myself. 

---We are planning on a cohabitation agreement. 

---We live in California so common law rules do not apply. 

---The market rent he suggests is about half less than what one would pay to rent a full house, but also about half more than what rent for room only would be. We would both save in monthly costs moving in, and my point is more on the principle of splitting costs evenly (minus the mortgage equity portion).

It's not a two person household

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This Redditor has said it all

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The OP will be the one to leave if things go south

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And since they’re in California, where common-law rules do not apply, the “leave if things go south” threat landed harder, because there’s no safety net in the background.

Improving Financial Communication

Creating a safe space where both partners can express their feelings without judgment can lead to more productive discussions. A weekly financial check-in could be a useful practice, allowing partners to share successes and challenges, ensuring that both feel heard and valued.

OP's situation serves as a reminder that relationships involve give-and-take, and finding common ground is crucial. For many Redditors, OP selling her home to move in with her boyfriend is a weak move considering the level of breakup in relationships.

The outcome will likely depend on their communication and willingness to understand each other's perspectives. Ultimately, the decision will impact not only their finances but also their relationship.

The story provides a thought-provoking exploration of the challenges couples face when merging their lives and finances. Given that OP will be moving into his house and not contributing to the equity, OPs suggestion to pay half of the interest payment but not the principal seems reasonable or what do you think?

This case underscores the intricate dynamics of financial equality within relationships, particularly when one partner carries the weight of past experiences such as divorce. The request for a 50/50 split in living costs points to a strong desire for fairness and balance, which are essential elements for maintaining a healthy relationship. Meanwhile, the boyfriend's cautious approach to financial matters may be indicative of his own insecurities, especially considering he has dependent children to support. These differing perspectives on finances can lead to tension, making it vital for both parties to engage in open and honest discussions about their motivations and concerns. Addressing these underlying issues could pave the way for a more harmonious living arrangement.

In the scenario presented, the couple's struggle to find a fair arrangement for living expenses underscores the complexities of merging finances in a relationship. The idea of splitting living costs instead of paying market rent reflects a desire for equity, yet it also reveals deeper issues regarding financial expectations and past experiences with money.

Regular financial discussions and an open approach to budgeting may serve as vital tools for this couple. By addressing their different financial habits and priorities, they can cultivate a more cooperative dynamic. Ultimately, the success of their arrangement will depend not only on the numbers but also on fostering a foundation of trust and mutual respect that can withstand potential financial disagreements in the future.

If they keep arguing about mortgage equity like it is rent money, one of them is going to feel like they’re paying for a relationship they didn’t sign up for.

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